I Will - 08 / 17 / 07

I will commit to you my everlasting love,
and treasure our life together with honor and respect,

I will hold your hand when you desire,
and never pull you when you do not wish,

I will care for you when you are ill,
and catch you should you ever slip,

I will cushion you if times are scarce,
and celebrate with you when they are ample,

I will grant to you my deepest fondness,
and revel in your elated passion,

I will be your solace in times of sorrow,
and delight with you in times of joy,

I will offer you the best of my heart and mind,
and fascinate in your spirit as well,

I will be your devoted friend and lover,
and shelter you with what strength I may possess,

My heart is yours completely,
unfailing, constant and eternal.

By: John P. McGrath

Hallucinatory - 06/01/05

See things move around,
Alright its just for now,
Where shadows dance about,
The corners of your eyes shout,
Everytime another one jumps down,
Nine sleepless nights on the town,

But you know they aren't there,
Weird cause they don't seem to care,
Drink them down with your eyes,
Drink them down as they're lies,
But don't trust others to see,
All in my head, it's just me.

Falling Off the Edge of the World - 01/12/05

Its so easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy,
While you life drags on for all the world to see,
And its amazing that a little itch,
Could turn your life upside down in an inch,

But I don't care right now,
Cause life was going to be great,
Except now I've been manic the past two days,
Shit I will end up having to pay,

And the down is comming on,
I can feel it again,
Like an tidal wave of darkness,
Rolling on to my land,

But its no worry and no problem,
All I have to do is wait,
Either I'll end up in misery,
Or clouded in hate,

The Tsunami that killed thousands,
Made the water pull from shore,
Exposing the sea bed in the raw,
Chaotic disaster in with a roar,

Its a little like life,
Pulled away from your routine,
The stabilizers you were taking,
Chemicals burning inside your skin,

And now that you've stopped,
The exposed bits of your brain,
slide away from delusions,
to the other extreme,

But I don't care anymore,
Cause my countries doing great,
We're on the right track at last,
Blasting Iraqies away,

Put our soldiers on the line,
With leaders designs,
To turn a little profit,
For his friends to mine,

So just don't care anymore,
Because everything is grand,
The Judges deliver,
Let the fucking monuments stand,

And if you don't really get
All my sarcastic decrees,
Well then you dont really know me,
So shut the hell up please,

Cause I dont care anymore,
Falling off the Edge of the World,
Life is pressing inwards,
Sucking out my soul again,

So I play my little game,
And keep my mind on the same,
Just dont focus too much,
On what is slipping away,

The brain bed is raw,
Lit up like others before,
but the Wave is comming in,
To fill up with darkness again,

But I don't care anymore,
cause life is going great,
Be not suprised to see me soon,
doubled over in pain,

Just ignore all the problems,
They might take care of themselves,
And if they don't the beer helps,
to cheer on your favorite football team,

Slipping over the Edge,
Fingers starting to bleed,
From the death grip you're trying,
To hold on to sanity

For a Friend named Jen - 09/23/04

I wish I'd been there for you,
But I couldn't really come through,
And I'm so sorry how things ended,

Taken by complete suprise,
Your innocence stolen by lies,
In a bar by a faceless man you now hate,

And the thought crossed my mind,
How the Universe unfolds during time,
As uncaring as it ever has been,

But I see it everywhere,
Not benevolent or any care,
Except in small quanta we call human good will,

Seems tempered with the impassive rest,
And what we describe as evil no less,
There does not appear to be much of anything else,

Drugged, beaten, then cut since,
Raped in your own ignorance,
Violence has forever changed your world,

Justice hasn't beaten your strife,
Even as you nurture new life,
Now what choice have you been left?

Little Ant - 07/08/04

I see this little ant,
walking madly about,
on the tile floor and grout,
turning inward and out,

But when I'm not looking,
does he have a home,
where does he wander,
where does he roam,

Will he be there again,
when I come back to see,
or will he be gone,
and alone I'll just be.

Electric Glow - 12/28/03

Tonight I feel so alive,
Like my nerves are electrified,
These thoughts ever flowing,
Whirl about in a mind that is glowing,

And I cant remember why,
But is doesnt matter if I try,
Cause tonight I know it all,
No task this world too tall,
Cause tonight I feel so alive,
Like my nerves are electrified,
These thoughts ever flowing,
Whirl about in a mind that is glowing,

Unstoppable before I start,
Ive a rocket propelled heart,
And its grandiose ambitions,
Don't care about conditions,
Cause tonight I feel so alive,
Like my nerves are electrified,
These thoughts ever flowing,
Whirl about in a mind that is glowing,

My libido wakes at last,
Unquenchable thirst never past,
Do I even dare,
Or do I even care,
Cause tonight I feel so alive,
Like my nerves are electrified,
These thoughts ever flowing,
Whirl about in a mind that is glowing,

Where the train of thought is tried,
In a brain thats almost fried,
At the corner of my eye,
Visions I see seem to lie,
But tonight I feel so alive,
Like my nerves are electrified,
These thoughts ever flowing,
Whirl about in a mind that is glowing

Miserable Liar - 11/17/03

Am I Alone?
Am I in Hell?
What to do now?
What do I care?
Is this cracking up?
Is this breaking down?
Have I lost hope?
Or have I run out?
Out of my mind?
Out of my time...

By: John P. McGrath

English Assignment #2

So this was an assignment in my English class to write to someone you cared about or admired, about something that was too painful to talk about so that you had to write about it to get it out. Again, fiction people...

A Letter Home

Dear Mom & Dad,

I’m writing to you because I feel I’ve developed a problem, and it’s not something I think I can talk about. I’m writing because it’s easier to face, to own up to my actions, and the express the state I’ve sunk into. I think I have a problem with drinking, I think I’ve become an alcoholic.


It all started about a few years ago. I went out with my friends to bars and generally had fun. The more we went out though the more I started to drink. I was still in control of myself then though. It started out small, six drinks a night, but as my tolerance took over it eventually increased. We started going out to bars more and more, until we went out virtually every night of the week. This led to my increased tolerance and consuming far more alcohol then I know is healthy for me. I started to get up to ten, twelve drinks a night, and sometimes even fifteen. I still didn’t see it as a problem, because I just saw it as a phase I was going through.

But my habit has continued, and I think I’ve lost control of it, I think it has control of me now. I can’t stop drinking, as much as I try, I don’t have the willpower anymore. I drink every night now, and get drunk, even by myself sometimes. I go to bars alone when I can’t find friends to go out with, and I constantly keep my fridge stocked with a thirty-pack. I’m spiraling out of control, and I don’t know how to stop it.

Not only am I drinking far more than is healthy for me, but it’s interfering with my work as well. I’m getting up hung-over every morning, and getting in to work late some days. I ‘m screwing up and I can see it, but I can’t seem to stop it. All I know is, I’m probably going to lose my job if I continue the way I am. They have a program here at work for substance abuse, but I’m afraid to start it, because I’m afraid of admitting I have a problem. I’m not even sure I’ll get the nerve up to actually send you this letter once I’m done with it. I think I’m afraid because once I own up to my problem I’ll actually have to face it and deal with it, and it seems a daunting task.


I don’t know why I do it. As I said it started as just fun with my friends, but its become a regular habit now. I don’t feel good unless I’m drunk., it takes away my cares, and enables me to loosen up. I feel so down most of the time I’m not drunk I don’t know what to do. Alcohol seems to cure that dilemma, at least temporarily, and so I drink. I drink to push my worries away. I drink to escape myself for just a little while. Maybe its because I’m insecure about myself. I’ve gained a lot of weight, ironically probably from all the beer I drink. I just don’t feel like myself unless I’ve gotten drunk. I feel like I’m not having fun unless I’m drunk. I feel like I’m no good unless drunk. There are so many reasons, no excuses, I could find to have a drink, it just seems to outweigh the consequences. I know if I keep this up my liver will be badly damaged, and I’ll have killed enough brain cells that I’ll be a muttering man on the street begging for change just to get another drink. I know it has to stop, I just don’t know how.

I need you to be understanding, and I need you to help me through this. I hope you can be caring enough without being judgmental. I know alcoholism runs in Dad’s side of the family, and I know you warned me about it when I was younger. I feel like I slipped into it without seeing it happen. My eyes are widened now though, and I know I have a problem. They say admitting it is the first step. So I’m admitting it now. I have a problem with drinking. My friends have been worried about me for some time now. They’ve tried to tell me to stop and to get me to admit I have a problem, but I wasn’t ready. I kept telling them I was in control, but I know now they could see I wasn’t, they had the objective advantage. I don’t know what it is exactly that I want from you, except for your understanding and compassion. I know this is a demon I’m going to have to exorcise for myself. Once you get this letter, maybe I’ll be brave enough to go into the counseling they provide at work. Maybe I can get to the deeper issues that cause me to want to drink myself into a stupor every night.

Either way, I hope with this letter I can start to get better, to get the support and help that I need. I will try to get myself into the substance abuse program at work, and try to face up to this problem that has been plaguing me for some time. I hope all else finds you well.

Love, your son,
John

English Assignment #1

So this was an assignment to write about something from opposite sex's perspective in my English class. If you haven't noticed the overwhelming theme of darkness in my writing yet, well, heres another example... Remember, its just fiction.

Alone
I sit on the edge of my bed alone, wondering what’s wrong with me. Really I know, I’m bi-polar, I just want to know why it had to happen to me. My whole world has collapsed into this grey mockery of life. Colors seem dull. I can’t smell anything, and so taste has gone away as well. My stomach feels like someone has wrapped barbed wire throughout my intestines and pulled on it every time I put food in my mouth. Eating has become something I do only out of necessity. My back hurts whether I sit slouched, stand up straight, or lie down, it doesn’t really matter. I can’t sleep for days, and then all I can do is sleep it seems for weeks.

I haven’t been out of my apartment in weeks; really I haven’t been out of my room for days, with the occasional trip to the bathroom, or to drag myself into the kitchen. My roommate is totally freaked out by me, she’s a neat freak, and I’ve just been letting the dishes pile up in my room. She thinks I’m lazy, I don’t work, I’ve been unemployed for three months now, without a whisper of an interview around. So I lay in my bed and fester, showering maybe once every three days. I can’t even read because my concentration has been so badly compromised by my illness, and the medications my doctor has put me on. Wellbutrin to deal with the depression, Lithium and Lamictal to stabilize my mood, Zyprexa to curb my manias, and Klonopin to help me sleep at night. Its quite a cocktail, when I can remember to take it all on time. But its clearly not working or else I wouldn’t be holed up in my room in this state of wreckage

Tonight is going to be different though; tonight I ‘m going to make the pain end for good. Nobody’s missed me in these weeks I’ve been gone. No one cares whether I’m here at all. All I ever do is pull people around me down, into my dismalness; they’d all probably be better off without me. I go to my medicine cabinet and take ten Tylenol, I may be hell bent on self-destruction, but I want it as painless as possible, the warnings about liver damage with overdose are of little concern to me now.

I close the medicine cabinet and stare at myself in the mirror. My mascara has run down my cheeks from when I applied it earlier, and then cried that I couldn’t make myself look pretty. I used to look pretty. I can’t see it now though - my high cheekbones just look gaunt, my blue eyes too dark with the mascara everywhere, and my black hair a matted mess. Turning away from the mirror, I go to the tub and begin to fill it with warm water.

Getting undressed, I let my boxer shorts and t-shirt slip to the floor. I look at myself in the mirror again. My breasts are too droopy, even though they used to be perky, my stomach has taken on a paunch and my hips have gotten too big, all this courtesy of the Zyprexa. I used to look pretty. Between my disease and my medication to jury-rig me though, I’ve been battered and bruised, even if no one can see it on the outside. I look over my slender arms, and turn them to the inside; milky white flesh covers bluish veins.

I go back to the medicine cabinet, and take out my pill slicer. I open the little box, and slip out the razor blade from inside. I let the blade sit on the sink while I go set my computer to play my song of the day, Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”. I listen a bit to the song as go back to the bathroom. “memories seep from my veins, let me be empty, oh and weightless and maybe, I’ll find some peace tonight.” That’s what I want, peace from this internal torment, someway out of my personalized hell.

The tub is full, so I grab the razor blade, and turn off the water. Serves her right, my judgmental roommate that she’ll have to be the one to find me like this. The Tylenol working, I take the razorblade in my hand, which trembles a bit from the Lithium. It’s crazy that the defining point of my life is going to be the tip of this razor. I climb into the tub, and let the warmth of the water enclose me like a womb. “Its easier to believe, in this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness, which brings me to my knees,” sings the computer. With reckless abandon I gouge a long stripe of red up my arm, starting at the wrist. Immediately, droplets of scarlet start dripping off my arm into the water, swirling away into the tub. I cut myself repeatedly, each stroke another crimson stripe up my arm. After I’m done I lay back and let the warm wash over me, my pain just a sting on my arms.

The song has repeated itself quite a few times now, and I can see the water has turned a deep burgundy. I feel dizzy, drowsy, almost faint…

The Enraged - 11/14/02

Do you know what its like to have to clench your fists in anger? Anger so complete it broils into rage. So completely violent you want with every fiber to destroy. Anything. The chair you could pick up and smash against the wall, splintering it into a thousand pieces. The piece of paper you could tear up. Your fist you could smash against a wall till your flesh was mangled. Or the stranger's head, sitting next to you, till the blood won't stop flowing. A rage raging out of control. Unbridled. Undirected. Anger at everyone and everything, at nothing in particular. So complete is this rage that it sears every thought with the need, the desire to cause destruction. To anything, to yourself. And nothing quenches its thirst, as it saps your will, and distorts every bit of mind you possess, every thought that transpires, every action you want to take. And its name is Black Mania, Lord of the Enraged. The alluring Muse which shares the same last name, yet is nothing alike in her terrible magnificence, is his concubine. Even she will leave your head reeling, spinning out of control in the end no matter which of the two come to dine with you... And their bastard children Despair, Gloom, and Numbness lurk just around every corner, waiting for the parents to leave, so they too may come and play. To torment and twist your thoughts, even turning them so far as self destruction in desperation. To pervert sanity is the family pastime, and for one lucky enough to be chosen, moments of lucidity become a precious thing...

By: John P. McGrath

2:43am - 08.31.02

Why is this darkness burning inside of me?
Why does my head never learn to see?
Why don't these black thoughts ever dissappear?
Why will my mind never ever clear?

I'm can't leave... but you'll see what it does to me.
I don't mind... at least I'm not the only damned of my kind.
I don't hear... once you're past death, what is there left to fear?
I'm not blind... Its just the darkness clouding up my mind.

Why won't I ever seem to rise on time?
Why don't I hate to be up late at night?
Why can't I ever just awake at dawn?
Why isn't anything ever fun?

I can't leave... but you'll see what it does to me.
I don't mind... at least I'm not the only damned of my kind.
I don't hear... once you're past death, what is there left to fear?
I'm not blind... I can see I'm rotting from inside.

Why do these nightmares never ever end?
Why am I covered in this blackened dread?
Why can't my brain learn to comprehend?
Why won't I take my fucking medicine?

I can't leave... but you'll see what it does to me.
I don't mind... at least I'm not the only damned soul like mine.
I don't hear... once you're past death, what is there left to fear?
I'm not blind... It's just this dark cloud messing up my mind.

Why won't everyone just leave me alone?
Why is anyone still even caring at all?
Why can't my numbness take away all the pain?
Why do my thoughts bring me back here again?

I can't leave... but you've seen what it's done to me.
I don't mind... I'm just tormented by my demons inside.
I don't hear... once you're past death, what is there left to fear?
I'm not blind... feeling dead, I'm just waiting to subside.

By: John P. McGrath

Shadowmaster - 04/16/02

Remember me? Im the one who spoke to you last,
when all the darkness in your life again was comming to pass,
we rode around together man and it was barrels of fun,
but now Im back cause hell your up and now Im ready to run,

You're thinking that Im just a demon in your head,
Just go and poison up your mind I'll still be there in bed,
I'll wake you up with pain so bad you won't be able to walk,
I'll fill you up with shame so much you won't be able to talk,

But its ok we've already been through that my special friend,
and you know your tough enough to hold out least untill I bend,
I don't think you realize the force that your dealing with here,
I'm as real as what you touch or think you see or hear,

Its alright go on and fight to take your pills on time,
cause I know how bad that crap goes down clouding up your mind,
just give me a little room to find the smallest grasp,
Ill help you to forget to take them and we'll just call it the past,

Don't want to trust me I dont care about it in the least,
who do you think told you to open up your veins till they bleed?
or maybe was to down those pills I really forget,
could be I just don't fucking care, I'll get you in the end.

By: John P. McGrath

Monster - 03/13/02

I look up at this terror, his face grinning tight,
crawl to escape his cruel laughter, haunting me through the night,
spit up blood that he's caused me, as he kicks me again,
I'm so frightened he's angry, he'll beat me down till Im spent,
and as I look in his eyes, I just stare back at mine,
cause he's just me, evil monster, I've no way to defend,

I look down on this wretch, this pathetic lazy joker,
kick his ribs in again, while he scrambles to find cover,
he's begging mercy, never trying to fight,
though he just lies their bleeding, I beat him more in delight,
he make's me growl, in anger and haste, the loser, this wretched mental case,
but the blood on my hands is mine when I'm done, there's no way to fight the monster I've become,

And I sit back to watch this interesting trend, the fighter a masochist in the end,
beat the fool who can't stop it, cause he's lying in bed,
self destruction, delusional thoughts flitting in his head,
even here it pulls at me, and I'm hurting bad,
cause hes beating the loser,
but its killing me instead.

By: John P. McGrath

Numb - 12/04/01

so fuck it all
straight to god damned hell
im so miserible
that i hate myself

im so freaking tired
yet i cant find rest
for the tormented mind
worse is all it gets

and im so bloody numb
that i cant feel a thing
except the pain in my back
and that my stomach brings

still im a fucking mess
cant find myself it seems
just trying to sleep it off
fight off nightmarish dreams

By: John P. McGrath

Atlas - 11/12/01

You're just like Atlas man,
but you don't understand,
carry the weight of the world on your shoulders,

They've got a better plan,
They'll lend a helping hand,
before the blood in your veins spills all over,

You've seen the Mistress's plan,
darkened dream of her land,
but her throne of despair can be broken,

Dug your grave in the sand,
with battered bloody hands,
in the shores of gloomy emotion,

Found a light and then ran,
to the source of it and,
climbed out on the rope that was thrown you,

Just slipped back to the grand,
abyss of the land,
that fights all the time to consume you,

Unforgiven thoughts of man,
blackened view of God's plan,
His torment is all that you know,

Beaten down by His hand,
laid out in the bland,
grey world of your sordid delusions,

Sometimes moments of disjointed clarity,
come as a drop of water, amongst the entire torrent of the storm,
in stupid careless thoughts, words of ignorance tossed,
blinded by rage, forgetful clouded haze,
didn't want to hurt anyone,
but it happened anyway.

By: John P. McGrath

(D)oesn't (M)ean (C)rap (A)nyway - 9/12/01

Mr. Media man, help me to understand,
Just how I should think and feel,
'Cause I need to be schooled, on how it's breakin' the rules,
To share music with my neighbors,

Just show me the way, and I'll follow your say,
About the evils of these hackers,
Only lend a hand, and I will join the bands,
To litigate against their efforts,

So send out today, the summons right away,
To silence any of their knowledge,
And its right for you, to buy laws to sue,
All who circumvent your methods,

We're on our way, god help us where we're going,
Don't let this play, it Doesn't Mean Crap Anyway,
We're on our way, can't fathom how it happened,

Freedom's fallen to corporate profit


Mr. Political man, let me shake your hand,
Please show me how to think and feel,
Cause stealin' is wrong and is doing us harm,
Over all the corporate field,

All the nerds in the world, who'd rather computers to girls,
Especially dangerous Russian pirates,
When they break the code to the mother load,
Threaten other Empire's profits,

So lock them away, before they ruin the day,
Of the average jack-consumer,
Since you've made it a crime, in this wonderful time,
To share books through networked folders,

We're on our way, god help us where we're going,
Don't let this play, it Doesn't Mean Crap Anyway,
We're on our way, can't fathom how it happened,

Freedom's fallen to corporate profit

By: John P. McGrath

Phoenix - 03/26/01

Have you ever danced with madness
in the middle of the night,
Felt the sharpened pain of sadness
Cutting through you like a knife,
The whirling of disjointed thought
Freely crashing through your mind,

It's a heightened sense of being
Feeling more than other kinds,
The high and low two separate pirates
Stealing sanity aside,
Jury-rigged to work that morning
Broken down by half past nine,

It's a race to run you ragged
Tank on empty all the time,
Phoenix bird crumbles to ashes,
Just to rise again and climb,
Fire burning bright to anger
Irritation flares inside,

And the Muse is softly chanting,
Siren songs to come and try,
Be her lover till the morning
As she's clouding up my mind,
Robed in shadows while I slumber
Find her bidding me goodbye,

In the pit of self delusion
Trapped by chains of darkened smiles,
Nightfall passes with the waning
Of the falling moon and stars,
Rising back towards the daylight
And the higher roads that come,

The Phoenix bird lets out his song
Just to show the world he's fine,
Lets the music of his soul,
Find its way into the sky,
Happy living for the moment,
It's been fun but now he's tired.

By: John P. McGrath

Of Sheep and Wolves - 03/13/01

I see in the paper again and again,
All this violence on school grounds,
Where kids shoot up and then,
Pull the trigger on themselves,
To bring it all to an end,

Then I watch all the panic,
Of the people around,
And I think to myself,
You idiots astound me,
Its more than tragedy now,

See some kids in their school,
Need to just be themselves,
But the media shouts out,
They're craving acceptance,
But not always in the end,

Some of them just want to be treated with decency,
Due any other human being and frequently,
To not face the ridicule,
Day in and day out,
Of bullies who treat them so cruel,

They aren't looking to fit in,
Most know that they don't,
They aren't the herd animals,
That society wants,
Many learn as they grow not to care,

And the parents dodge blame,
Cause it couldn't be their fault,
They weren't watching the pain,
Of their child till he cracked up,
Pushed too far over the edge,

See the sheep want security,
Of the flock that they hide in,
While the wolves are content,
To bide time and lie down,
Till the torment takes its toll,

Then they strike out in rage,
And desperation for all days,
They put up with crap from their peers,
The sheep scatter and bleat scared they're just meat,
To a predator they shouldn't have taunted,

And people wonder how could this happen,
I wonder where the hell the parents were at,
Building bombs in their basements,
And hiding guns in their cases,
How could they not have seen?

So spend some time with your kids,
To talk over all this,
Cause you might be surprised,
To learn that they listen,
Should you ever bother to try,

Teach them respect,
For themselves and for others,
Help them be confident,
And to be nice to others,
Cause you're responsible for their care,

Check in with them frequently,
To make sure that they decently
Treat others with fairness they're due,
Lest they slip and forget due to your neglect,
That to torment is dangerous now,

And try once in a while,
To make sure that they smile,
And aren't getting to close to the edge,
Cause it's something you can stop,
Before they drop twenty kids dead to the ground.

By: John P. McGrath

The Muse - 02/22/01

I'm in the presence of my Muse,
The spark of brilliant men,
She fans the flames of all my passions,
And beckons me to run,
So I'll go chasing Her forever,
Till I burn out like the sun,
When She drops me to the dark below,
I'll come to hate Her for,

Her Dionysian spirit drives me,
To stay out late and when,
Her Seraphs wake me from my slumber,
And show me beauty then,
Her choirs of angels play in my head,
Singing songs beyond my ken,
To relate for the world below,
With only simple pens,

This pattern of destructive thought,
Chains me down to my bed,
The raging of a howling tempest,
Flows free within my head,
I haven't slept in over four days,
And I'll have to make amends,
For the damage that I cause myself,
Before the living end,

Her Shadows vacuum out my soul,
So I can't wake at all,
From the hell I'm sinking into,
Cause it's the only way to fall,
Her Demons circle in around me,
But the flames they set alight
Agony for my tortured body,
With no end or respite,

And so on my journey ventures,
Through cycles of Her whim,
My mind the only prison landscape,
That I can see from here,
But my Muse won't leave me stranded,
And I know She won't give in,
Till She finds me once again,
With Her careless loving grin.

By: John P. McGrath

The Lonely Poet - 02/19/01

He walks along, a winter's night,
Snow crusted bank, the river ice,
It chills his spine,

Cloaked by darkness, hidden pain,
The world knows little, of his game,
Or desire,

Had looked for God, filled with despair,
Can't fathom why, no answered prayers,
Or comfort there,

So stumbled through the maze of faith,
To shatter through the mythic haze,
And free his mind,

The lonely poet, shadow scarred,
By dreams of darkness, in his heart,
Knew solitude, smiling happy to be free

He searched for love, but he did find,
No kindred spirits, of the mind,
For him to hold,

While romance turned an open heart,
To guarded walls, so insecure,
Where feelings lie,

Then wanders on, and wonders why,
He asks the moon, and all the stars,
Above the sky,

'Cause Nature holds him, from the start,
Her warm embrace, and twisted mark,
His gift to bear,

So the lonely poet, shadow scarred,
By dreams of darkness, in his heart,
Knew solitude, smiling happy to be free

The sun comes up, a brand new day,
A dawning soul, to light the way,
To nightmares end,

He found at last the peace of mind,
Eluding him, most of the time,
In medicine,

So dreams again, in pure delight,
The beauty of, his starry night,
To dance within,

Though no matter how, he runs or tries,
A looming shadow, follows to remind,
Of darker times

But the lonely poet, shadow scarred,
By dreams of darkness, in his heart,
Knew solitude, smiling happy to be free

By: John P. McGrath

The Abyss - 01/12/01

The darkness is palpable,
I'm falling again,
Spinning out of control,
To the inevitable end,

A total eclipse of my soul,
Alone here, in my haunted head,
Chemical demons torment me,
Lost in the Abyss of Nothingness,

Though you never will see,
This dying corpse was once me,
Spirit hollowed out from within,
Now just an empty shell of a man.

In a total eclipse of his soul,
Alone here, in his haunted head,
Chemical demons torment him,
Drowning in the Abyss of Nothingness,

It continues tenaciously,
No more tears left to cry,
An automaton waiting,
For a new breath of life.

In a total eclipse of its soul,
Alone here, in it's haunted head,
Chemical demons torment it,
Swallowed by the Abyss of Nothingness

By: John P. McGrath

Wandering - 01/06/01

Fading faster than daylight,
With no way to fight,
This place that I'm going,
And why should I care,

Comfortable alone,
My thoughts are my friend,
Or my enemy maybe,
It all depends,

Disappearing again,
Inside my own head,
To dream of the sun,
Lying in bed,

Cause my sky there is blue,
And smells softly of rain,
Smile at the birds,
Whistle away any pain,

Climb on the trees,
Green leaves brush my face,
Inhale the breeze,
And savor the taste,

I hike through the hills,
Past flowers and bees,
Down to the beach,
Water up to my knees,

It's pleasant enough,
And I wish I could stay,
But I've got to get up,
To face the new day.

By: John P. McGrath

Rational - 01/01/01

I'm lost inside myself, and I can't find the way,
Though I'm familiar with, this dark territory,
I'm searching for the light, I know I used to have,
But I've misplaced it somewhere, here within my head,

Haunted by my need to achieve,
My work turns into play,
And thoughts dance round,
Teasing me for all the failures I've made

I'm filled with passion, though I try to keep inside,
You never see it so, you think that I'm like ice,
Inside my fortress here, I'm safe within myself,
The tensions mounting, till I feel like someone else,

But I'll show the world,
A face carved out of stone,
While thoughts dance round,
Teasing me for all the failures I've made.

By: John P. McGrath

The Fallen - 12/30/00

Welcome to my world,
Glimpse heaven through hell,
When I'm almost too tired to care,

For no one bothers to try,
To find what drives the mind,
Grappling itself, bending in,

So I'll get by tonight,
Shelve this burden of mine,
Consciousness gone from within,

While I run on the mobius,
Looking to finish,
This race that no one can win,

But Your audience always was nervous,
And they laugh to themselves out of fear,
'Cause they never wanted to look and see,
The tragedy of Your divine comedy,

Trapped here in flesh,
Spirit yearning to soar,
Shackled down with the rest,

No faith in authority,
With fleeting apologies,
Questioning all in my way,

So welcome to my world,
The Jester, The Fool,
Entertaining Your court everyday,

Resigned to my fate,
Lying awake,
Holding my breath anyway,

But Your audience always was nervous,
And they laugh to themselves out of fear,
'Cause they never wanted to look and see,
The tragedy of Your divine comedy,

Was this Your plan,
To teach them the game,
On the razor thin edge of failure?

Still asking for reasons,
I'm standing alone,
Your loyal skeptic till the end,

But Your audience always was nervous,
And they laugh to themselves out of fear,
'Cause they never wanted to look and see,
The tragedy of Your divine comedy.

By: John P. McGrath

Riding the Pendulum - 11/04/00

The height of elation,
The depth of despair,
It's a harsh life sometimes,
But you'd rather not care,

With a stain on your soul,
And this noose on your neck,
You just keep on running,
Can't burn out just yet,

But the anger is pure,
And it pounds through your veins,
Irritated at nothing,
Why can't you stay sane?

Your friends walk away,
While you push those that don't
The hole opens wider,
Disappearances start,

But why should you care?
Fuck it all anyway,
Tomorrow is different,
The same as today,

The poet, the painter,
The musician within,
You're the king of the world,
And the fool in his sin,

So you dance on the edge,
Tempting fate once again,
'Cause its all just a game,
And you'll lose in the end.

By: John P. McGrath

JAR Bottled Love - 10/20/00

In her eyes I can see,
That I shouldn't let go
Thought tonight it's so hard
When we're bearing our souls,

So I look up at her,
Catch a smile that's contagious,
All I need in this world,
To inspire these pages,

And my heart I can feel,
That it's swelling with joy,
But I have to keep it inside,

From her laugh I can sense,
That she's happy right now,
But this feeling so immense,
It's a fight to keep down,

So I listen to her voice,
Like the songbirds and angels
Guiding me through a dream,
Opens up all defenses

And my heart I can feel,
That its swelling with joy,
But I have to keep it inside

By: John P. McGrath

Madman - 07/22/00

The world is bathed in darkness,
The madness consumes,
Temporarily blinded,
Emotionally forever numb.

Hollow inside,
He collapses under the burden,
The weight of despair,
Unable to cry.

Yet the madman continues,
Looking inward,
Begging mercy from himself,
Tattered sanity,
Alone in hell.

By: John P. McGrath

Black Beach - 07/10/00

I walked alone, along the shores of despair,
Gazing at the black sky above, and the grey world below,
I could scarcely remember happiness,
Or a vibrant world I enjoyed,
Sadness consumed me as I wondered what brought me here.

Darkness had seeped into my thoughts and corrupted my mind,
There it took root, and grew the tendrils of hate and fear,
Which slithered through my every vein,
Filling the emptiness it had gouged out of my heart.

I reached for the forgiving points of light in the vast night,
But immeasurable distance removed me from their hope,
And the cold despair washed in to sweep me away,
While I lay beneath the cliffs of gloom.

But I'll tell you I'm fine, and dream of my days in the land of reason,
Beyond this dreadful place, before my paralyzing fall,
For the only comfort I find are the footprints
Of those I know have been here before,
And escaped.

By: John P. McGrath

Welcome to My World....

I have a brain chemical malfunction which happens to be Bi-polar Disorder, or Manic Depression. I'm writing this only to let you all know that there is definitely something wrong going on inside my head from time to time, and hence the dual meaning of my blog's title. I feel like sharing the poetry I've written, inspired by this insidious disease, for anyone who wants to read it. I'm leaving these up here so that they don't expire on my main Blog, just so everyone who wants to read them can. Take away from it what you will. Not all of the poetry is inspired by my illness, there's one from the Digital Milennium Copy Act, Columbine, and yes even love. The vast overwhelming majority of my poetry is derived from my manias and depressive episodes, so be warned its fairly dark. These aren't meant to be inspirational, they're just meant to vent the darkness that sometimes threatens to overwhelm me. If you connect to them, then I feel honored and sorry for your suffering. So, here they are: